You are the image
by Claudia Ryan

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1 You are the image

You are the whole image I am not you are the wishing image on the inside you are the alive image you are the living one I am wanting to be you are the image that responds you are the image that holds me in you hold you hold you hold you hold all of my fears and all of my mistakes you hold all of my image you are the image that holds my image you are my image with a language without losing what my image is you are more than I could be the image of you are the image as large as you are the image as you are the image open out to the edges all the edges you hold larger and you are a huge image you are more than I can hold I see you you are the image of me of what I am hoping for you are the image of what I am believing in you are the whole image. I am the whole image you are not I am the wishing image on the inside I am the alive image I am the living one you are wanting to be I am the image that responds I am the image that holds you in I hold I hold I hold I hold all of your fears and all of your mistakes I hold all of your image I am the image that holds your image I am your image with a language without losing what your image is I am more than you could be the image of I am the image as large as I am the image as I am the image open out to the edges all the edges I hold larger and I am a huge image I am more than I can hold you see me I am the image of you of what you are hoping for I am the image of what you are believing in I am the whole image. I am my image that holds my image I am my image with a language without losing what my image is I am more than I could be my image of I am my image as large as I am my image as I am my image open out to my edges all my edges I hold larger and I am a huge image I am more than I can hold I see me I am my image of me of what I am hoping for I am my image of what I am believing in I am my whole image. You are the whole image I am not, you are the wishing image on the inside, you are the alive image. You are the living one I am wanting to be. You are the image that responds, you are the image that holds me in, you hold, you hold, you hold, you hold all of my fears and all of my mistakes, you hold all of my image. You are my image that holds my image. You are my image with a language without losing what my image is. You are more than I could be the image of. You are the image as large as you are the image, as you are the image open out to the edges, all the edges, you hold larger, and you are a huge image, you are more than I can hold. I see you, you are the image of me, of what I am hoping for, you are the image of what I am believing in, you are the whole image. I am the whole image you are not. I am the wishing image on the inside. I am the alive image. I am the living one you are wanting to be. I am the image that responds. I am the image that holds you in. I hold, I hold, I hold, I hold all of your fears and all of your mistakes. I hold all of your image. I am the image that holds your image. I am your image with a language without losing what your image is. I am more than you could be the image of. I am the image as large as I am the image, as I am the image open out to the edges, all the edges. I hold larger and I am a huge image. I am more than I can hold. You see me, I am the image of you, of what you are hoping for, I am the image of what you are believing in, I am the whole image. I am my image that holds my image. I am my image with a language without losing what my image is. I am more than I could be my image of. I am my image as large as I am my image, as I am my image open out to my edges, all my edges. I hold larger, and I am a huge image. I am more than I can hold. I see me. I am my image of me, of what I am hoping for, I am my image of what I am believing in. I am my whole image.Iyou are the whole IIimage Iyou are not, Iyou are the wishing Iimage on the inside, Iyou are the alive Iimage. Iyou are the living one Iyou are wanting to be. Iyou are the Iimage that responds,Iyou are the Iimage that holds me in, Iyou hold. Iyou hold, Iyou hold, Iyou hold all of my fears and all of my mistakes, Iyou hold all of my Iimage. Iyou are my Iimage that holds my Iimage. Iyou are my Iimage with an Ilanguage without losing what my Iimage is. Iyou are more than Iyou could be the Iimage of. Iyou are the Iimage as large as Iyou are the Iimage, as Iyou are the Iimage open out to the Iedges, all the Iedges, Iyou hold larger and Iyou are a huge Iimage.Iyou are more than Iyou can hold. Iyou see Iyou, Iyou am the Iimage of Iyou, of what Iyou am hoping for, Iyou am the Iimage of what Iyou am believing in, Iyou am the whole Iimage. Iyou am my Iimage that holds your Iimage. Iyou am my Iimage with an I language without losing what Iamyour Iimage is. Iyou am more than Iyou could be the Iimage of. Iyou am the Iimage as large as Iyou am the Iimage, as Iyou am the Iimage open out to the Iedges, all the Iedges. Iyou hold larger, and Iyouamare a huge Iimage. Iyou am more than Iyou can hold. Iyou see me. Iyou am the Iimage of me, of what Iyouamare hoping for, Iyou amare the Iimage of what Iamare believing in. Iyou amare me the whole Iimage, Iyou are the Iimage of Ime, of what Iyouam hoping for, Iyou are the Iimage of what Iyouamare believing in, Iyou are the whole Iimage. Iyouamare the whole Iimage Iyouamare not. Iyouamare the Iwishing Iimage on the inside. Iyouamare the alive I image. Iyouamare the Iliving one Iyou areIam wanting to be. Iyouamare the Iimage that responds. Iyouamare the Iimage that holds Iyou in. Iyouamare hold, Iyouamare hold, Iyouamare hold, Iyouamare hold all of your Iyouamare fears and all of your Iyouamare mistakes. Iyouamare hold all of your Iyouamare image. Iyouamare the Iimage that holds the Iamyouare Iimage. Iyouamare your Iamyouare Iimage with an Iamyouare Ilanguage without losing what your IamyouareIimage is. Iyouamyouare more than Iyouamyouare could be the Iamyouare the Iimageof. Iyouamyouare the Iamyouareimage as large as Iamyouamare the Iimage, as Iamyouamare the IamyouareIimage open out to the Iamyouaremyedges, all the Iamyouaremyedges, all the I edges. Iyou hold Iamyouarelarger and Iamyouare a huge Iamyouimage

2

It was as if she had in her head a vision
or she had a vision in her head and then
the vision became herself and then
herself became the vision and then
herself was not herself and then
she was an opening into another vision
and then that vision became an opening
into another vision and then the
vision became the vision of
her vision of herself.

3.

I am a secret
You have a secret
I am a secret you have
I have a secret you are a secret
I am a secret
I once had a secret you have
Your secret is my secret
I stole your secret
I am stealing your secret the one you had
I am a secret secret stealer stealing secret
I have a secret I am seeing
I am a secret seeing something that is a secret seeing secret
I am a secret one of a secret
I am a secret of a secret secret
I am a hidden from you secret
I am a secret I am a secret secret secret hidden from you secret secret
I am a secret telling you a secret in one ear and out the other secret
You are a secret you are my secret that is secret
I am looking for a secret I am looking for
I am a secret looking for a secret
I am a secret looking for a secret
I am a secret looking for a secret secret
Secret secret secret my secret secret of you secret of you secret


4.

One plan I had was to stop at various intervals along the highway and jot down words and sentences that floated into my head, since it seemed to me my only insights came while driving, not insights that would mean anything, but only the sound of a voice that seemed real, meaning a sound that was not detestable, so I saw a row of tall trees, the tall, thinning kind that have a pear shaped body, those are cypress, a row of trees that made me feel safe, patient, somewhere to stop, I kept things at the edge of my mind, little eyes, kind thoughts about maybe this or that, falling short of myself moving in and around something that was not suppressed or lost to me, knowing anything lost is regretted and to regret is to be less and less until one disappears off the edge of the world and I lost everything whenever I opened my mouth, as if it were a predetermined sequence of losing: open mouth make speech the talk comes out one word making the making of one word where I can’t be caught or tied down to my own stupidity chain of words that are an iron yoke how can I be my own worst enemy, that is violent and violence of the worst kind, the ugliness profound and hateful, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think of anything to write or to say or to think, everything was under, underneath, below from where I could touch it and then the touch repelled me or pushed me away as if pushed by my own self, as if wrapped in stars like a present.


5.

Space is physical, like the smell of urine crowding into my mind and overtaking it like a black spot. Mrs. Cunningham’s pee has a very strong odor. As I enter her room she says to me, “You must have ears like an animal”, her words now opening up a space between us like the space between my ears and my nose, and I am thinking, “Here I am in this room with her and I may have ears like an animal.” Mrs. Cunningham has gotten up seven times so far to pee during the night. She is crouching halfway over the commode so precariously I am worried she will miss and go on the floor. She is moving with all of her movements painfully slowed but somehow incredibly precise and I am standing very close alongside her for what seems like half an hour, holding onto her small, frail body and listening to her pee with her incredible precision. Her urine has the most intense smell of concentrated urine odor I have ever smelled: pungent, stale, decaying, but strangely pleasant as I am imagining its yellow crystalline structure whose molecules I can’t see breaking down in the bottom of the shallow commode in the dark, each yellow crystal becoming smaller, more singular, obstinate, a darker section of matter. Mrs. Cunningham is supposed to ring her bell when she gets up but won’t. She is embarrassed and doesn’t trust me. She tells me she doesn’t like having people watching her pee and I can hardly blame her. I tell her she could fall and that is why I have to be vigilant, like an animal, I am hearing a fall before it happens. 





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