i fry fish for Jayzis
by Josef Horáček
He loves Mary this i know for the Bible tells me so
when he pinned her down to the ground with the full weight of his body
she knew just what to do she’d had her education
saw sheep do it once caught sight of her oldest sister and the charming uncle from Jericho
yes she knew what to do—
neither resist nor cooperate
the perfect fuck doll she hoped the committee in the skybox was satisfied (devirgination is always a high-profile event requiring full-board review)
he saw her stomach contort with pain (he didn’t notice her face) but feigned confidence climaxed in seconds
man that was immaculate! in his mind he was already sharing the story with The Trinity his awesome new band
in this version she really enjoyed it
of course she did!
in his oak-paneled office the Patriarch was going through some paperwork his desk (a gift from Emperor Maximilian) heaving under reams of paper
last night’s wet dream left him confused and foul I am the head of the church but my body is ahead of me still he wasn’t ready to give up celibacy his latest invention
he dreaded family life more than he dreaded solitude
absent-mindedly he grabbed a random piece of paper from his desk and glanced over it
First Name Middle Name Last Name
Bog! he felt paralyzed
it’s Russian his mother would say for God what a twisted patronymic he thought no wonder I‘ve never felt on solid ground (in his self-pity he had forgotten
there is no solid ground in these marshlands)
needs a form
and this form is in need of reform!
he crossed out Name next to Middle and wrote in Initial with a sigh of relief he put down B then quickly filled out the rest and called for Julius his intern
implement this churchwide!
the formal experiment was well received his reform was quickly turning into a reformation he proceeded to shake up the church nomenclature call me Pop he insisted
feeling like he might explode
he started writing a new summa for his denomination
Jayzis is God!
Location: King James Stadium
Commentator: Matthew Evangelista
0:59 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; 1:34 And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; 1:56 And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; 5:03 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; 7:57 And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias; 17: 45 And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa; 18:09 And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias; 19:21 And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; 21:21 And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias; 23:05 And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon: 27:03 And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel; 33:47 And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor; 34:48 And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud; 41:31 And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob; 41:47 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jayzis—
And the crowds waved flags, drank beer, and cheered them on. At half-time, they discussed the stats: So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.
(God being the referee back then, fairness wasn’t an issue. No need for video review. On occasion, though, fans would still grumble: O Lord, why hast thou forsaken us?)
As soon as the match was over, they carried Jayzis on their shoulders through the streets of Bethelburg. His arms outstretched, he was crowd-surfing. Many walked that day.
When Magdalene became pregnant with their only child, Jayzis insisted that the baby be named after Father. But she didn’t care for God. Didn’t like the sound of it.
Eventually they reached a compromise.
[interview with the Patriarch]
JH: Can you help the readers situate your recent publications in the context of the homiletic tradition?
P: Certainly. I read the Scripture literally. My tracts are simple transcripts of what I glean from the Book.
JH: How do you define literal reading?
P: As they say, I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. I add nothing. I withhold nothing.
JH: Would you say, then, that you follow the letter rather than the spirit?
P: Son, there’s a whole lot of epistles in the Holy Book. You’ve got to be more specific! Now, as for the spirit, I’ve got plenty of it. I wouldn’t be where I am without it.
JH: And where is that?
P: My oak-paneled office, most of the time. I’ve thought of putting up some wallpaper but like you said, tradition is tradition. As much as I like to think of myself as a reformist, I feel constrained by it.
JH: I see what you mean. Thank you for your time.
[draft of the Patriarch's letter to God]
Dear Heavenly Father—
What is it about fatherly figures and absenteeism? Don’t tell me you’re still mad at Mama after all these years! She’s all settled down now. You know how she worships you.
Dad makes a point of stopping by whenever he’s in town. He’s real sweet to Mama, too. Problem is, he’s gone most of the time. Goes fishing with his buddies. Has run-ins with the law. How am I supposed to tend my sheep with such role models?
Please come live with us. I’ll build you a house! I’ve been looking into these new prefab spires. You could have your own place in a matter of days.
Anyway, I know you have a lot to deal with these days. Write me a billboard when you have a moment.
Come to think of it, I’m not even so sure Jayzis is my real father…