i fry fish for Jayzis
by Josef Horáček

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He loves Mary this i know for the Bible tells me so

when he pinned her down to the ground with the full weight of his body
she knew just what to do            she’d had her education

saw sheep do it             once caught sight of her oldest sister and the charming uncle from Jericho           

yes she knew what to do—
neither resist                        nor cooperate                       

the perfect fuck doll                        she hoped the committee in the skybox was satisfied            (devirgination  is always a high-profile event                        requiring full-board review)

he saw her stomach contort with pain                        (he didn’t notice her face)            but feigned confidence                        climaxed in seconds

man             that was immaculate!                        in his mind            he was already sharing the story with The Trinity                        his awesome new band           

in this version                        she really enjoyed it

of course!

of course she did!












middle initial

in his oak-paneled office            the Patriarch            was going through some paperwork                        his desk            (a gift from Emperor Maximilian)                        heaving under reams of paper

last night’s wet dream left him confused and foul            I am the head of the church            but my body is ahead of me                        still            he wasn’t ready to give up celibacy                        his latest invention
he dreaded family life more than he dreaded solitude

absent-mindedly he grabbed a random piece of paper from his desk and glanced over it

First Name                        Middle Name                        Last Name

Bog!             he felt paralyzed

it’s Russian             his mother would say            for God             what a twisted patronymic             he thought             no wonder I‘ve never felt on solid ground             (in his self-pity            he had forgotten
there is no solid ground in these marshlands)

a reform     
                       needs                        a form

and this form is in need of reform!

he crossed out Name next to Middle and wrote in Initial             with a sigh of relief            he put down B            then quickly filled out the rest            and called for Julius            his intern
implement this                        churchwide!

the formal experiment was well received             his reform was quickly turning            into a reformation            he proceeded to shake up the church nomenclature            call me Pop             he insisted           

feeling like he might explode

he started writing                        a new summa            for his denomination











Jayzis is God!

Location: King James Stadium
Commentator: Matthew Evangelista

Live Broadcast:
0:59 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; 1:34 And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; 1:56 And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; 5:03 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; 7:57 And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias; 17: 45 And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa; 18:09 And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias; 19:21 And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; 21:21 And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias; 23:05 And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon: 27:03 And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel; 33:47 And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor; 34:48 And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud; 41:31 And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob; 41:47 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jayzis—
he scooooooooores!!!

And the crowds waved flags, drank beer, and cheered them on. At half-time, they discussed the stats: So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

(God being the referee back then, fairness wasn’t an issue. No need for video review. On occasion, though, fans would still grumble: O Lord, why hast thou forsaken us?)

As soon as the match was over, they carried Jayzis on their shoulders through the streets of Bethelburg. His arms outstretched, he was crowd-surfing. Many walked that day.

When Magdalene became pregnant with their only child, Jayzis insisted that the baby be named after Father. But she didn’t care for God. Didn’t like the sound of it.

Eventually they reached a compromise.













[interview with the Patriarch]

JH: Can you help the readers situate your recent publications in the context of the homiletic tradition?

P: Certainly. I read the Scripture literally. My tracts are simple transcripts of what I glean from the Book.

JH: How do you define literal reading?

P: As they say, I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. I add nothing. I withhold nothing.

JH: Would you say, then, that you follow the letter rather than the spirit?

P: Son, there’s a whole lot of epistles in the Holy Book. You’ve got to be more specific! Now, as for the spirit, I’ve got plenty of it. I wouldn’t be where I am without it.

JH: And where is that?

P: My oak-paneled office, most of the time. I’ve thought of putting up some wallpaper but like you said, tradition is tradition. As much as I like to think of myself as a reformist, I feel constrained by it.

JH: I see what you mean. Thank you for your time.











[draft of the Patriarch's letter to God]

Dear Heavenly Father—

Pappy!!

What is it about fatherly figures and absenteeism? Don’t tell me you’re still mad at Mama after all these years! She’s all settled down now. You know how she worships you.

Dad makes a point of stopping by whenever he’s in town. He’s real sweet to Mama, too. Problem is, he’s gone most of the time. Goes fishing with his buddies. Has run-ins with the law. How am I supposed to tend my sheep with such role models?

Please come live with us. I’ll build you a house! I’ve been looking into these new prefab spires. You could have your own place in a matter of days.

Anyway, I know you have a lot to deal with these days. Write me a billboard when you have a moment.


Come to think of it, I’m not even so sure Jayzis is my real father…

Definitely wallpaper!!