The Rapture Hat
by Kristy Caldwell and Ronald Donn
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Man Slays Suitcase out of Remorse over his Father’s Death
Monroe, Louisiana—AP—A West Monroe man was apprehended today at Willie's barbeque restaurant on 293 South Desiard, 4:10 p.m. His Paleolith Box had expired—lasciviously—and a renaissance of sadness vented itself on his suitcase.
When questioned about the entertainment value of his father's death in regards to his Paleolith Defense, the man did not reply. The man was a traveling carpet salesman.
The man is a suspect in several beheadings. Pursuers are pursuing investigations, and will be reading the suspect's rights Thursday night at several local poetry readings (see listings below). The man is currently out of work.
Celebrated Writer Signs Book at University Library
Boulder, MASS—Gannett—local poet and acrobat Jarold Therome was walking with an old student and colleague through the aisles of the university library last Thursday. The two were busy reminiscing about vivisections of yore and strolling the Russian literature section, when Therome removed a copy of an antique book containing Vassily Zhukovsky's "Word about Igor's polk".
Therome continued his conversation with his friend, opening the book and perusing it as the two talked about the old days. His friend states: "He seemed to be looking for the title page. He found it—and when he did he took out a fountain pen and signed the book in nicely trained script: 'Vassily Zhukovsky'."
"Our conversation went uninterrupted," states the friend.
As a way of striving for excellence in journalism, the Clark County Barter wishes to alert the public of criminal activity in the area. We apologize sincerely to the criminals that it may offend or turn into pariahs. But the law is the law; the law is the conscience of the People. We believe that offenses to this conscience should be made accessible to the People who are wittingly or unwittingly possessed of it.
Natasha Jarrett, white female, fantasizes about being locked in the trunk of a homeless man’s El Dorado, has it actually happen. “I need to think about this,” says Jarrett.