by Lidija Praizovic, translated from the Swedish by Johannes Göransson

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december 4

amateurballetsilliness. jonna tanja mia me and a dozen other stuffed panties. we lift our legs all the way to the ceiling. heaven is ours and we are its glowing stars. use the pole for all kinds of stuff: PENETRATION. many here seem incredibly relationship-scared. jonna hasn’t had a relationship (has never even dated) since the end of the millennium. tanja has long been a divorced single mom. mia is anemic&anorexic (in addition she’s on medication right now which causes a number of side effects such as incredibly strong B.O….). in other words: WATCH OUT! these are fragile ballet dancers. bend our backs apart&intopieces! twist and tear our legs apart! partner oh partner! russian partner swedish or turk. SCREAM. leotardtight stiff-necked garden rakes. unfucked against their wills. soon retired from the hobby classes at the ballet academy. ugly distorted and cramped by stunted shrivelled desire. the studio is full of girls women and ladies of all kinds of tight body types (most of the bodies are very nice because most of them train several times a week (I train four days)). you can just come here and have your pick and wreck! plus two faggots. bonus. look at her the zealous and spazzy one. in the middle of the floor. work it baby work it HARD push it real good. totally sweaty and panting. LIDIJA is her name but her dear mother and father call her lila or the little cat or mommy’s son or my gold or my eyes or our everything. when she has been a nice obedient overachiever. lidijas parents worship their daughter. when she has been nice obedient and good. that’s why lidija always works as hard as she can to behave nice and proper. toward all all all. unfortunately only parents teachers and sadists are attracted to such behavior. hardly intellectual equal men who find lidija old-fashioned and corny. but that’s irrelevant. for even lidija’s emotional life is like her parents’ totally intra-family-based that is to say totally focused on her parents – from habit laziness cowardice loyalty pathology… - you can choose. but what i want to get at is: LIDIJA WANTS COCK! LIDIJA WILL GO CRAZY IF SHE DOESN’T GET ANY COCK NOW! she just can’t deal any longer! it’s been far too long! after velja she chose to be celibate (lidija even wanted to – i swear – join a convent but her parents advised her not to because they want grandchildren to carry on the family genes and serbian heritage in the diaspora) but over the years she has gotten into what is often called a VICIOUS CYCLE. and now she can’t like break free. it’s not easy for lidija to again get close to cock. as if it ever was. lidija gets close to mom dada book and ballet pole but there it stops. lidija has always been terrible bad at cock and now it’s worse than ever. as you know lidija is big in words small in the world. as you know lidija is all talk and no action. as you know lidija is a reflective-head and reflective language. after the velja dis lidija decided that she would write in this life not fuck. the more lidija writes the less she fucks. since she now basically writes and reads all day and night she doesn’t fuck at all. the more lidija writes and reads the more all the cocks around her wither. when lidija fastens her gaze on a cock to analyze abstract criticize the cock slackens in front of her cunt. pulls away from her. at those moments when lidija takes a break from literary creation she takes ballet classes with the other well-behaved girls. but even there she is incapable of taking the step from thought to action (at least not attractive action). this results in a failed pirouette a couple of unextended leaps manyconfused questions (but she does as well as she can!) then quickly back to mamma book and pen. on the subway she hides behind the culture section of the daily papers. sometimes she finds in those pages some historical female author who also lived without cock and that she can imagine identifying with while the subway rushes along the red line and lidija’s heart beats home sweet home! snowed-in asocial anal hole which socially winks through its asocial anal hole. hey hey do you want me? pretends that she prefers body-dancing to body-fucking. pretends that most of all she prefers body-writing. kind of like this: i prefer to write my body my sex my sexuality my feminity instead of becoming your victim. so says lidija the lying or the truthful (she doesn’t know herself anymore– she’s said it so much) and slams the door in the face of the small group of brave but dorky admirers that don’t care about her and care even less about actually knocking on her door. lidija in her room: writes reads masturbates writes reads masturbares writes read masturbates until mom comes in and says it’s dinner bed or CATASTROPHE! lidija hopes that people think she’s nice obedient and good who wildly confesses her PROBLEMATIC FEMALE SEXUALITY. lidija complicates it a little extra so that nobody will think that she’s sexually banal. lidija cannot possibly believe that one writes better about sex when one isn’t actually having sex. lidija wants people to love her love her love her. lidija wants her male readers to be blinded by her sexual complexity and immediately want to have sex with her (contact her about this matter). lidija is pretty moronic but pretty good at fucking when she finally gets going. so: let us clear this up once and for all: in first place is body-writing in second place is body-dancing and only in third place is body-fucking why i never get around to this third and most important task that is people’s primary goal and meaning in life: REPRODUCTION OR (in modern and secularized societies like Sweden) SEXUAL PLEASURE. that’s my problem man. i get along so damned well with myself and feel totally GREAT by myself. i don’t need anybody to satisfy me sexually. learned to sublimate my drives as soon as i hit puberty. sad but a pretty good arrangement actually. but still: i’m constantly sort of leaking. in ballet in literature on you who happens to be sitting next to me.

now i’m going to go and eat some sauerkraut to cure yeast infection (my gynecologist says that it often affects over-ambitious young women but can quickly disappear as soon as you get into a good relationship start to feel safe and feel that you don’t have to achieve so much – i say: i prefer to achieve a lot and have yeast infections than have a man and not achieve)
then go clean the toilet which i’ve promised my mom (i am way too lazy when it comes to household chores – have to improve! elsa in my class says that there’s not neccessarily anything wrong with someone living with their parents when they’re this old – as long as you don’t act like a baby – i agree)
then sleep all night with a newly procured retainer (test: will it remain in all night or will it fall out of my mouth? they didn’t make it deep enough even the dentist admitted that so now i have to go back with it if it doesn’t fit - fuck)
and tomorrow: dance light-pink ballet-panties skin-colored nylon tights a little purple mini top that honestly speaking makes my breasts too pointy! (have to ask mom)

can someone please tell me why i repeat myself so often
kind of tell the same story about myself over and over again
nail myself down in the story that i’m writing about myself
the agreement was to break free from this narrative from all this create another
create another story from another life
the agreement was to do everything in my power to as soon as possible
i simply say this: and i’ll stick to it
over my dead body
over my dead body
over my dead body
i’ll fuck before the winter’s out